Wednesday, April 30, 2008

blah ga

I can't believe it hasn't even been two weeks since I left St Maarten. I guess when every day is worse than the day before time goes by slowly. Every time I think I've found a solution or a remedy that would make things better theres always a roadblock.

Honestly, I expected the poo to hit the fan sooner or later, but I guess it just came sooner than I thought. Actually, it really couldn't have happened any sooner than it did- we hadn't even gotten our bags up the stairs when she started it all. Then Peter was told I started it- a lie- so he blames me for this whole situation. I honestly don't understand- the next day I opened up and poured out my heart to her, but the only thing I got back was a heaping spoonful of her homespun self-martyrdom. We're only going to be here for a few weeks, so I guess I should just put my head down and deal with it.

I've been painting, but nothing has been finished because they're so bad I keep painting black over them and starting again. I guess I'm just lacking in inspiration.

I went to the church I used to go to when I lived here a few years ago, but no one I knew was there, and the sermon was kind of weird. The big sanctuary was barely 1/4 full. I saw an old friend whose family was one of the anchors of the church, at the grocery store. I asked what happened- why his family and all the other families who'd been there forever were gone, and he said the pastor had really gone away from his old way of preaching and that most of the people who'd been with the church from the beginning had left because they didn't like how the preacher wanted to run it now. I don't think I'll be going back there- the atmosphere was just kind of dead. It didn't feel like God was present, but maybe I'm just kind of spiritually spoiled. I never feel closer to God than when I'm standing next to the ocean. To me the ocean always seems like a metaphor for God- powerful, life taking, life giving, enigmatic, infinite, encompassing, beautiful and scary. It always felt like God was present. I miss the constant sound of waves in my apartment more than anything else about living so close to the beach.

I miss Radar, too. Since the first day we brought him home he's been under my feet. He followed me around the apartment like a shadow. I can't wait until I can get him back. I kind of think that it's because I showed how much I love him that Iris decided I definitely couldn't have him. I offered every compromise and was willing to bend backwards and then some to meet her more than halfway, but she doesn't give an inch when she doesn't have to.

She let Peter keep Beau. I don't really care about him- I tried to give him away to Dr Gray.

I've never been more alone. Separated from the only place where I've ever felt truly at home, the only place I've ever really fit in; separated from the sense of purpose I had in my community; separated from my friends, my pet, my inspiration. I feel separated from God and separated from my self. I'm on my own in unfriendly territory.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

last night in paradise

I can't believe it's my last night here in St Maarten. It's been an amazing two years. I can't say life here isn't without it's challenges... okay, a LOT of challenges, but I've done so many things I would have never done. I've made friends with people from ever corner of the globe. I've learned so much about life and myself here. There are so many things I am going to miss... not just my apartment and the beach, but the kids I've worked with (especially the ones that live near me that I see almost every day), my church (teaching sunday school) the constant inspiration the beautiful Caribbean brings to my art every day but more than anything I'll miss my friends. I've met so many wonderful people here who I've seen come and go off the island, but it's the galpals I'm leaving on the island I wish I could take with me... crazy pilot chicks... catching 4 different buses to get to the french side... shopping like the girliest... hiking like the bravest... and smores... lots and lots of smores.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Golden Eagle

We did Golden Eagle cruise a while back, but I never got around to blogging about it, but since it's one of the more interesting things we've done here I thought I'd take a sec to post about it
Golden Eagle Cruise summer 2007 When we first moved here there were a couple attractions that really caught my eye. Two years later there are still some that haven't, and probably never will, be checked off that list. However I am super glad that after more than a year here we finally got around to taking the Friday Farewell Cruise. The cruise goes around the island, to Tintemarre, then back, with several snorkeling stops, at some of the Caribbean's most colorful underwater spots. Lunch was a three course affair at one of my favorite restaurants on the island, Calmous Cafe. This is probably the most fun thing Peter and I have done since we moved here. Also, a most rare event occured- Peter and I made some friends with whom we are strangely similar. In fact their dorki/artsi/techni/trivia ness rivaled our own like few people can, much less on a dynamic as a couple. (Peter and I are so different, people usually like one of us and not the other, or as a couple one of us can't stand one of them.) For dinner we went to The Greenhouse in Philipsburg with our new friends. If I'm ever in Michigan, I'll definitely have to look them up.
One of the guys on the cruise dropped a line off the back of the boat and ended up pulling in a few tuna fish.