Thursday, June 19, 2008

seriously serious

I woke up bright and early this morning so I could go to the house where my dad's parents used to live and helped clean up the blackberry brambles that had taken over the back yard. I haven't been there in years. After my grandma died it was hard to go there. You could fill it up with people, but without her it always seemed kind of empty. My Grandpa rented the property, after he moved out and remarried, but the renters were horrible- they actually tried to bury their garbage in the backyard instead of hauling it to the dump. among other things. So weird.

Anyhow, after the work was done I wanted to take a look around the place I had spent so much of my childhood.

It was hard to believe that it was the same place. Aside from all the damage the renters had done, everything was still in the same position. I remembered weekends sleeping in the living room in a sleeping bag next to my cousin and sister, but how did we fit? The space seems so small now. The windows were curtainless but didn't let in the sunlight that used to fill the living room. Even though we're constantly changing I think we expect things we leave behind to stay the same. I think today was just the culmination and realization of a feeling I've had ever since I got back- it's true- you can NOT go home again. The second you leave it's no longer home. When I think about the journey between where I was in the place that I was remembering and where I am now, the road seems incalculably long. I guess it's unfair for me to expect things to remain constant, when I myself have changed in every way.

A couple weeks ago I was contemplating the choices which brought me to where I am. It's like we create our own butterfly effect within our lives; decisions I made in high school that seemed fairly minute and unimportant turned out to have a life-altering effect, whereas things I thought would be life or death turned out to be not so important. For example I can look back now and see that a football game in 7th grade has had much more of an impact on my current life than my S.A.T. score ever did.

I guess what I'm trying to take from all this is that I ought to live more intentionally. It's impossible to say what small thing could determine tremendous future events, so it's important to take every decision seriously, even small ones.

Anyhoo, after I spent the morning wrestling blackberries and strolling down memory lane I went to the library and checked out some more books. I want to learn more about business, so I am going to take the next few weeks to read every book I can get my hands on. I've always found that when it came down to it, I could teach myself things just as easily as I could learn them in a classroom. First read: I picked Small Business for Dummies, because you have to start somewhere, so why not start with "small business... and I'm a dummy :)

3 comments:

berto said...

I like this blog. for real!


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berto said...

nice blog isnt it?


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DiVa BlOgGeRiNa said...

I can easily relate to your blog, although I am only 21 years old, lol, I myself went through a similar phase. Only I EXPECTED everything to change along with me just because I had changed. I quickly realized though that nothing stays constant and life would not be as interesting and meaningful if things were the same. Kudos!!