Sunday, January 10, 2010

Whichever One Applies/ Tourist Edition

Dear Tourists

I understand that you (are 21 years old/ have way too much money for your age/ don't know how to order a drink) but that does not exempt you from behaving like a decent human being. I realize that you (have never been to New York City before/ are big stuff where you're from/ didn't know there's vodka in a cosmo) but can you please pretend to be an adult. I don't know who gave you (their credit card/ such an inflated ego/ permission to be such a brat) so let's try to reign it in a little while out in public. Also, you should probably know that in Manhattan there are several subway stops that require you to use a (mile long/ incredibly slow/ probably Victorian era) escalator. On these escalators standing traffic keeps to the right, while people (walk/ jog/ run like their life depends on them making the next train) down the left. Didn't you think it odd that you and your little group were the only ones (not standing on the right/ blocking the entire path/ yelling the lyrics to a Keisha song)? Thank you for letting me by after I said, "Excuse me, may I pass". That was kind of you. Just so you know, I DID (catch your dirty looks/ hear you say "Ugh, What is her problem? B***h! Congratulations, you're like 30 seconds ahead now. Whatever!" / pick up on the fact that you all seemed to be wearing an entire bottle of Victoria's Secret Body Spray... each.). I truly appreciate the fact that you conceded to move to the right like everybody else NOT WALKING, but probably not as much as the Asian men behind me, who nearly knocked me down the aforementioned mile long escalator as they literally sprinted down the left side. I like to think they were (trying to get to a hospital/ carrying the antidote/ spies). I've lived and worked in NYC long enough to know that late at night, the trains don't run very frequently. I also usually know when they're coming, so if you see me hustling, it's for a reason. Your rudeness annoys me, but happily vengeance is (swift/ mine/ best served cold on a dirty subway platform) because I was seated comfortably in the train, as you all came within view of the train and immediately fell all over each other trying to get down the last stairs and across the platform before the doors shut. Enjoy (waiting 30-45 minutes for the next train/ watching rats playing on the tracks/ the smell of what I call perma-vomit) because you're going to be there a while. Making eye contact with you when the realization that you were 30 seconds too late, for the train that I was on, hit your faces was priceless. Enjoy the rest of your trip to NYC, but next time, don't forget to pack (some dignity/ manners/ less fake looking hair extensions).


-la sha

No comments: